The Little Mermaid: So How Bad Is It?

Oh it's bad. So bad, I missed In My Life. Essentially, Disney Theatricals has sunk its rabid teeth into The Little Mermaid, infected it with a terrible disease, and is forcing the maimed, grotesque beast of a show to go on despite being only a shadow of it's glorious former self.

As I watched in shock and horror, I longed for the adorable cartoon I loved in my youth. My heart ached to hear the same refrains that had given me such happiness - but this is not the same The Little Mermaid I loved so well. No, little Moxie, avert your eyes! This Little Mermaid is too sick to be saved, and if anyone at Disney had a heart, they'd put it out of its misery.

To list all that is horribly, horribly wrong with this production would turn this blog into a short novel. Here are just a few highlights:

- The ugliest, most non-sensical sets I've ever seen. I still don't know what all the plastic crap on that stage was supposed to be. Waves? Trees? No idea. Plenty of photos here.

- Humiliating costumes for the poor actors. The mermaid sisters' tails are so out of control, they hit each other in the face whenever they turn around. Norm Lewis looks like the toast of Coney Island. And Heidi Blickenstaff, I'm so sorry they did that to you. You are fabulous and everyone knows it.

- An uninspired, boring book by Doug Wright, delivered with utter lifelessness by a cast who I know can do better. Did they spend any rehearsal time on acting, or character? WTF? And yeah, Sherie Renee Scott is supertalented, but I cringed watching her with those awful, awkward tentacles. Terrible.

- Heelys. They don't look like they're swimming, they look like they're skating. Which makes the whole thing look like exactly what it is: Disney on Ice on Crack.

- They've taken some of the best great Disney songs and staged them with all the conviction of a shitty theme park ride. Under The Sea is mostly about a dancer shakin' it in a day-glo unitard. Kiss The Girl involves giant plastic spinning things, and a frog puppet that likely got rejected by Toys 'R' Us.

To make things even more maddening, there are a number of glaring solutions to the show's problems. For example, would it kill them to use some puppets? The actors are costumed as vague, bizarre ideas of sea creatures, and it is not working. Is that a seahorse? Or a crab? I saw eight-year-olds cocking their heads sideways, thinking, "what is that?" Hey, Disney, I don't know if you've heard of it, but there was this musical that really turned heads a few years back, it is called The Lion King.

As pissed as I am at Disney for being the embodiment of corporate evil in the theater, you can't watch this show and not blame director Francesca Zambello. From top to bottom the thing is a total mess, and what is most dramatically lacking is a cohesive directorial vision. I'm sure that many will have much to say at where she went wrong, but all I can say is failure, failure, failure. It is an utter failure. She has failed everyone who loved that movie.

**It is definitely worth noting, in spite of everything, that Sierra Boggess is a great Ariel. The best part of the show are the minutes she spends alone onstage, and when she sings "Part of Your World" it is, for a minute or two, magical.